Kris Straub & David Malki ! - Tweet Me Harder BONUS: Book Disguises

tweetmeharder:

TMH BONUS: Book Disguises / 54 min / April 24, 2014

Download the MP3

In this nearly-an-hour-long BONUS #TMH, Kris and David decide that normal books are boring and insufficient, and instead set out to better the world with the invention of strange and marvelous BOOK DISGUISES.

Which are now available for you to have as well — in sketchbook form!

As well as THE COMPLETE TMH ON A THUMB DRIVE! Over 80 hours of audio! I think! I didn’t count them all!! Which includes a BONUS EPISODE! Should you get it?? Answer: yes

The thumb drive contains:

  • All the episodes – remastered for consistent audio quality
  • All the videos, promos, and site graphics
  • A PDF of the TMH book
  • All the music – themes, raps, theme-raps
  • Some blank GB for your own files or whatever
  • Plus a BONUS EPISODE full of the ‘Everybody Dies’ game that only live listeners ever got to hear!
  • GOTTA GET IT NOW

And the sketchbooks are now available too!!

So I thought that RYAN NORTH and all of his FAKE BOOK JAPERY was perfectly harmless, if a bit mean.

BUT NOW? I KNOW DIFFERENT. Look what arrived in the mail ANONYMOUSLY.

This is no fake. This is a real book that someone spent some amount of real money to have sent to me from Amazon, no note included.

YOU SEE, RYAN? YOU SEE WHAT YOU HAVE WROUGHT???

This book — which, I must repeat for emphasis, is a real thing, like someone had the idea for it (ha ha!) but then didn’t realize that the idea is the entire joke but instead somehow decided they would take on the actual human calorie-burning task of writing 126 pages of — really gives you a smoke-the-whole-pack quantity of what is indisputably people’s favorite parts of LOLcats: the nigh-nonsensical text!

And it’s not just Bible stories. It’s The Bible. It’s abridged to include just the most famous bits (Adam & Eve, Noah, Joseph & his brothers, King David, parts of the Gospels and Acts, and as seen above, Daniel in the lion’s den), but those parts are reproduced VERSE BY VERSE so you do indeed have to slog through “So Daniel liev long an prospar frum Darius to teh othur King, Cyrus, hoo wus a Persian kitteh.”

HI

LARIOUS

This is a concept book. This is a book that people give to one another as a joke, but nobody reads. The corporate buyer for the bookstore didn’t read it. The person buying it for a friend’s birthday didn’t read it. The friend who got it as a gift didn’t read it. I’ll bet the typesetter only read as little of it as she could get away with.

It was regifted a dozen times and every single one of those people did what I did and/or will do, which is: 

- realize what it was

- instantly get all the enjoyment out of that concept that one will ever get

- flip through it

- realize that it goes ON AND ON AND ON

- see that this is a glimpse into a madness best avoided

- quietly close it and put it on a shelf

- give it to another unsuspecting friend so it’s out of one’s own life

The publisher of this book has a whole miserable line of just complete nonsense, including "Blogs Into Books", and I can just tell that this shallow, cash-grabbing —

Wait, what’s that? Sorry…just a second…

Ah.

You say that the author/war criminal of this book, Martin Grondin, set up a wiki site in 2007 to translate the Bible into LOLcat, and that the book actually came along later, printing what had already been written?

Well, then I say that this publisher will probably LOVE my new project, “View Source” (working title), which takes popular websites and just reprints the raw HTML from their homepage. The work’s already done!!!

Confidential to whoever sent this to me: if I ever find out who you are, rest assured we will be enemies forever

Here are some cool ROLL-A-SKETCH drawings I did in Seattle recently!!

I’m also trying something new: I will be at WonderCon in Anaheim tomorrow, but not at a table, just walking around and visiting friends! A few times during the day I’ll be setting up shop to do sketches (like the above or MAYBE BETTER).

If you’ll be at WonderCon and you’d like me to text you where and when I’m sketching, I’ve set up a form! Click through and submit!

I’ll delete your number when I leave, this will be a one-time-only thing.

weathercow asked: David, love your work! Are you coming to Phoenix Comicon again?

Unfortunately I won’t make it to Phoenix this year :/ But I had a good time last year with our big yellow ball and the fire alarm and the cut-in-half-screaming-guy and I went home with a Ninja Turtles sleeping bag from the guest goodies room.

thunderbot:

I accidentally stole David Malki !’s free sticker sticky! I can never visit the Topaco booth again for shame. #ECCC #Topaco #sorrydavid #accidentalthief

YOU’RE FIRED

j/k the post-it was technically a sticker so it was I guess technically free so you’re OK

I GUESS

thunderbot:

I accidentally stole David Malki !’s free sticker sticky! I can never visit the Topaco booth again for shame. #ECCC #Topaco #sorrydavid #accidentalthief

YOU’RE FIRED

j/k the post-it was technically a sticker so it was I guess technically free so you’re OK

I GUESS

bankshot:

viergacht:

This is so true, it’s rather painful.

One day i will run into David Malki, and on that day I will buy him beer in—O, sir! Such quantity as you shan’t believe. 

This was reblogged by Cracked? Hi Cracked

bankshot:

viergacht:

This is so true, it’s rather painful.

One day i will run into David Malki, and on that day I will buy him beer in—O, sir! Such quantity as you shan’t believe. 

This was reblogged by Cracked? Hi Cracked

(via cracked)

"Former relationship expert Ryan North takes you on a truth-spittin’, no-holds-barred journey through the frontiers of the genderclash…Finally daring to describe fundamental natural laws that the P.C. police (and Obama-style self-appointed guardians of ‘politeness’) would rather be forgotten!
"Learn about:
• The 12 Rules Of Power Play (Hint: There’s more than 12!)
• What Penguins Do In Private – And Why We Don’t Do The Same (Anymore)
• Five ‘Magic’ Words That Guarantee She’ll Never Forget You, Ever
• The Rule Of Archimedes – In The Bedroom And The Boardroom And The Boardwalk And Park Place, Too…If You Want It, Take It!
• Wandering Womb Syndrome – Ancient Myth Or Mere Superstition? Or Something More?
• Giving Her The ‘Secret Loyalty Test’ – Before She Gives It To You
• Beat Any Paternity Suit! How To Microwave Your DNA – For Good
• Nineteen Spam-Filter-Beating Synonyms For ‘Misandry’ That Have Increasingly Cruel Connotations
• How To Deserve Any Job You Want – From Birth
• ‘I Can’t Be An Asshole If I’m Right’ – Proving This Old Maxim With Ironclad Logic
• The #1 Haircut For Getting Married – And Staying Married, If That’s What You Want
• I’m Sorry, But You Should Never Apologize. And That’s A Canadian Speaking!”
[ BOOKWAR ]

"Former relationship expert Ryan North takes you on a truth-spittin’, no-holds-barred journey through the frontiers of the genderclash…Finally daring to describe fundamental natural laws that the P.C. police (and Obama-style self-appointed guardians of ‘politeness’) would rather be forgotten!

"Learn about:

• The 12 Rules Of Power Play (Hint: There’s more than 12!)

• What Penguins Do In Private – And Why We Don’t Do The Same (Anymore)

• Five ‘Magic’ Words That Guarantee She’ll Never Forget You, Ever

• The Rule Of Archimedes – In The Bedroom And The Boardroom And The Boardwalk And Park Place, Too…If You Want It, Take It!

• Wandering Womb Syndrome – Ancient Myth Or Mere Superstition? Or Something More?

• Giving Her The ‘Secret Loyalty Test’ – Before She Gives It To You

• Beat Any Paternity Suit! How To Microwave Your DNA – For Good

• Nineteen Spam-Filter-Beating Synonyms For ‘Misandry’ That Have Increasingly Cruel Connotations

• How To Deserve Any Job You Want – From Birth

• ‘I Can’t Be An Asshole If I’m Right’ – Proving This Old Maxim With Ironclad Logic

• The #1 Haircut For Getting Married – And Staying Married, If That’s What You Want

• I’m Sorry, But You Should Never Apologize. And That’s A Canadian Speaking!”

[ BOOKWAR ]

ryannorth:

A lot of David’s “Wondermark” Malki’s books that I’ve come across have been embarrassing or mean to me forNO REASON but this is the first of his books that I’m actually REALLY into!  This is awesome!!
I’d never heard of Horsey Race 64 (there’s not even an entry for it on the Mario Wiki, which is NUTS) but check out these interview excerpts from David’s book:

Nintendo’s offices at that time were open, but everyone had their own cubicle.  People would move around, depending on what projects were being worked on.  Me and a few other developers had worked out this - demo, I guess you’d call it, where Mario was a horse, and Bowser was a horse, and everyone in the Mushroom Kingdom was a horse now too.  We saw it as a culmination of Miyamoto’s dream of Centaur Mario, which we’d been unable to realize for Mario 3…
…I’d implemented most of the gaits: walk, trot, canter, but gallop was giving me trouble to get it just right.  I’d called [Tom] over to help me get Mario’s trot just right when the higher-ups noticed a bunch of us crowded around my desk.  His scent was intoxicating…
…At first everyone was excited about this game that we were calling Okay, Wow, Mario’s A Horse Now.  We’d only implemented Horsio, Horsuigi, Horsecess Peach, and King HorseBowser, but we had a pet-and-groom mode for each that, years later, would be recycled for Nintendogs…
…you could form this really meaningful relationship with our members of the Horseroom Kingdom: they’d remember who you were and how you’d treated them in the past.  You built up trust with them.  Several devs were caught staying late just to program in some extra treats for their favourite horses (and yes, I admit, I slipped Horsey Kong a few extra apples here and there)…
…we’d built a Grand Prix mode (named “Sheesh! Who’s The Fastest Horse??”) where you could walk, canter, or trot in a big circle, and it was about that time when the higher-ups started asking if we could strap motors to the horses to make them go faster, and maybe add wheels to them too.  I began to realize something had gone very, very wrong at Nintendo…
…”Excuse me, but I think you mean ‘It matters who has sex with WHOM’ if it causes office drama”, I said, but [Min] talked right over my correction, AGAIN…
…the bananas were the last vestige of our original design, left over from when they were character-specific treats for the noble Horsecess Peach. Nintendo wanted them cut, but Miyamoto said he’d quit then and there unless they were left in.  He loved his Horsecess, and even though all her data had been erased [on Black Thursday], he wanted her memory to survive.  He put his job on the line for her, for those big ol’ bananas she loved so much.  And those of us in “the stable” loved him for it…

I could type out the whole book here!  Super fascinating.  Thanks for the book, David!!
[BOOKWAR]

that’s a stock photo, you can find it on Getty with the tags “man, one man only, adult man, beard, facial hair, salty beard, sea captain maybe, glasses (spectacles), cool glasses (neat spectacles), sweater, one red sweater only (no pants), bewildered, handsome, handsome man but also bewildered, chagrined, mario shell, blue shell, mario blue shell only, blank background, one man one shell, friendly, looks like a good dude to be pals with, nice-looking, good kisser”
You can tell this is not a real book because David W. Malki is actually my uncle’s name (the W stands for “Watch out, I’m not the other David Malki”) but he would never have written this book as he is a noted horse racist

ryannorth:

A lot of David’s “Wondermark” Malki’s books that I’ve come across have been embarrassing or mean to me forNO REASON but this is the first of his books that I’m actually REALLY into!  This is awesome!!

I’d never heard of Horsey Race 64 (there’s not even an entry for it on the Mario Wiki, which is NUTS) but check out these interview excerpts from David’s book:

Nintendo’s offices at that time were open, but everyone had their own cubicle.  People would move around, depending on what projects were being worked on.  Me and a few other developers had worked out this - demo, I guess you’d call it, where Mario was a horse, and Bowser was a horse, and everyone in the Mushroom Kingdom was a horse now too.  We saw it as a culmination of Miyamoto’s dream of Centaur Mario, which we’d been unable to realize for Mario 3…

…I’d implemented most of the gaits: walk, trot, canter, but gallop was giving me trouble to get it just right.  I’d called [Tom] over to help me get Mario’s trot just right when the higher-ups noticed a bunch of us crowded around my desk.  His scent was intoxicating…

…At first everyone was excited about this game that we were calling Okay, Wow, Mario’s A Horse Now.  We’d only implemented Horsio, Horsuigi, Horsecess Peach, and King HorseBowser, but we had a pet-and-groom mode for each that, years later, would be recycled for Nintendogs

…you could form this really meaningful relationship with our members of the Horseroom Kingdom: they’d remember who you were and how you’d treated them in the past.  You built up trust with them.  Several devs were caught staying late just to program in some extra treats for their favourite horses (and yes, I admit, I slipped Horsey Kong a few extra apples here and there)…

…we’d built a Grand Prix mode (named “Sheesh! Who’s The Fastest Horse??”) where you could walk, canter, or trot in a big circle, and it was about that time when the higher-ups started asking if we could strap motors to the horses to make them go faster, and maybe add wheels to them too.  I began to realize something had gone very, very wrong at Nintendo…

…”Excuse me, but I think you mean ‘It matters who has sex with WHOM’ if it causes office drama”, I said, but [Min] talked right over my correction, AGAIN…

…the bananas were the last vestige of our original design, left over from when they were character-specific treats for the noble Horsecess Peach. Nintendo wanted them cut, but Miyamoto said he’d quit then and there unless they were left in.  He loved his Horsecess, and even though all her data had been erased [on Black Thursday], he wanted her memory to survive.  He put his job on the line for her, for those big ol’ bananas she loved so much.  And those of us in “the stable” loved him for it…

I could type out the whole book here!  Super fascinating.  Thanks for the book, David!!

[BOOKWAR]

that’s a stock photo, you can find it on Getty with the tags “man, one man only, adult man, beard, facial hair, salty beard, sea captain maybe, glasses (spectacles), cool glasses (neat spectacles), sweater, one red sweater only (no pants), bewildered, handsome, handsome man but also bewildered, chagrined, mario shell, blue shell, mario blue shell only, blank background, one man one shell, friendly, looks like a good dude to be pals with, nice-looking, good kisser”

You can tell this is not a real book because David W. Malki is actually my uncle’s name (the W stands for “Watch out, I’m not the other David Malki”) but he would never have written this book as he is a noted horse racist

Ryan, I have just one question, and it is “Why was this in the ‘autobiography’ section”
Actually, one follow-up: “What will your Patreon money be going toward, exactly”
[ BOOKWAR ]

Ryan, I have just one question, and it is “Why was this in the ‘autobiography’ section”

Actually, one follow-up: “What will your Patreon money be going toward, exactly”

[ BOOKWAR ]

ryannorth:

So I was sitting in my kitchen enjoying a carefully-curated selection of nuts (pictured) when what should slide across it but “Sex In Your Thirties”, what appears to be the latest in a series of books by David Malki about David Malki's sexual exploits!
As a man who is also in his 30s, I found this book really interesting and I’m glad David wrote it!  No lie.  I could’ve done with less of the full-colour glossy-printed nude selfies ON EVERY SINGLE PAGE (sometimes multiple times per page) (especially when David photoshopped a wholly-unnecessary two-page spread of a David-only orgy scene), but sex is something that’s important to many of us, and too often ignored, especially as we age.
Good work, David!!  PS It was brave of you to be so naked in front of so many people
[BOOKWAR]

Ryan is an on-record enthusiastic fan of the Up Series so I don’t know why he’s so tweaked by my decennial sex manuals? The previous three volumes are out of print but I’m sure the next six or seven will be worth the wait.

ryannorth:

So I was sitting in my kitchen enjoying a carefully-curated selection of nuts (pictured) when what should slide across it but “Sex In Your Thirties”, what appears to be the latest in a series of books by David Malki about David Malki's sexual exploits!

As a man who is also in his 30s, I found this book really interesting and I’m glad David wrote it!  No lie.  I could’ve done with less of the full-colour glossy-printed nude selfies ON EVERY SINGLE PAGE (sometimes multiple times per page) (especially when David photoshopped a wholly-unnecessary two-page spread of a David-only orgy scene), but sex is something that’s important to many of us, and too often ignored, especially as we age.

Good work, David!!  PS It was brave of you to be so naked in front of so many people

[BOOKWAR]

Ryan is an on-record enthusiastic fan of the Up Series so I don’t know why he’s so tweaked by my decennial sex manuals? The previous three volumes are out of print but I’m sure the next six or seven will be worth the wait.